Yule Tides with the Masters

'Tis the night before the night before Christmas, and all through the house, there are creatures stirring---creatures from radio's master blasters themselves, whom your chronicler has saved for last on the principle that the best most certainly should be saved for last. And if you plan to spend a holiday with classic radio Christmas, you simply cannot spend it without they two kings.

FRED ALLEN

■ Town Hall Tonight, “Santa Claus Sits Down” (a.k.a. “Santa Will Not Ride Tonight”)--—Precious enough: Any surviving Christmastime or Christmas themed installment of any Fred Allen show, considering how few of them have survived among the truckload of surviving Allen shows. Precious more: Jack Benny as his guest, for this installment of Town Hall Tonight, done from Hollywood while Allen was in town to make a film. After the opening round of Town Hall gags and one-liners and a brief music selection, Benny and Allen exchanged rapiers in the slot where Allen would normally begin the show.

JACK BENNY: Jello again, this—
FRED ALLEN: Go away
BENNY: —is Jack Benny talking.
ALLEN: Go away. Go away, boy.
BENNY: Oh, all right, gee, right away y—
ALLEN: Get away from this microphone here. (Pause.) Good evening. We must get a weather strip put on this floor.

And—--after a cleverly low-keyed “Town Hall News” segment zapping the cold spell of the day, another smartass break-in by Benny, an interview with Warner Brothers backlot lunch cart operator Willie King (“I’ve invited him to jump out of his frying pan and into our fire tonight”), a jivey musical number about a riveter (bear in mind that this was before World War II), a segment with Radio Guide photographer Eugene Lester (who’d been shooting Burns and Allen, Phil Baker, Allen, and Benny) in a little Christmas caroling (“I do a lot of singing in the darkroom, where nobody can hear me”), an Ipana toothpaste commercial, some bars of music that went unheard during the station break (a typical Allen zap at radio administrators), a segment with Portland Hoffa (his wife and second bananette), Benny (“I didn’t expect to get paid for this, I haven’t any more right to take money for working on this program than you have”), and Benny’s Maxwell (phat-phat-bang!), and a spot for Sal Hepatica laxative—--the Mighty Allen Art Players perform a clever routine around Santa going on sit-down strike.

You’ll have to listen to rediscover why, kiddies.

(First broadcast: NBC, 22 December 1937. Cast: John Brown, Charlie Cantor, Minerva Pious, Walter Tetley, Harry Von Zell. Guest: Jack Benny. Writers: Fred Allen, Arnold Auerbach, Herman Wouk—--yes, children, that Herman Wouk. Sponsor: Bristol Myers.)

■ Texaco Star Theater, "Santa Claus Sits Down"---Essentially, a re-enactment of the 1937 sketch, following an early "Allen's Alley" segment reviewing a newspaper strike and a shimmering performance of "Ave Maria" by Metropolitan Opera diva Risa Stevens. And, following a riposte between Allen and Hoffa. (Hoffa: "On account of the silk stocking shortage, Mama's hanging up her slacks over the fireplace. Do you think Santa Claus will fill Mama's slacks?" Allen: "Not like your mother does.") Not to mention a cute wisecrack about Lionel Barrymore's once-ubiquitous appearances in radio enactments of A Christmas Carol.

The Texaco Star Theater version has a slightly different cast and a few slight alterations in the script but it's just as enjoyable as the original Town Hall version.

(First broadcast: CBS, 20 December 1942. Cast: Kenny Baker, Wynn Murray, Minerva Pious, Alan Reed, Jimmy Wallington. Music: Al Goodman Orchestra, Hi-Lo Jack and the Dames. Sponsor: Texaco.)

■ The Fred Allen Show, "Suing to Return Fred's Cuckoo Clock"---This was also the final Allen show sponsored by Blue Bonnet Margarine and Tender Leaf Tea as his sponsors, ending a four-year relationship. (Ford Motor Company would sponsor him for his final two years as a radio host.) And, after a smart "Allen's Alley" sketch in which the Alley denizens are asked their take on 1947's outstanding event, Allen asks Hoffa about a used fragrance---which she's wearing, thanks to the perfume "Fight Back" her mother gave her for Christmas.

Upon which Allen ruminates on Christmas gifts from radio friends like Mary Margaret McBride (a wicker muffler with her sponsors' names on it), Jack Eigen (a potato), and a cuckoo clock whose bird comes out backwards. The trouble began when Allen tried to exchange the clock. It only continued when he bumped into Monty Woolley, doing his Christmas shopping after Christmas and bragging about listening to A Christmas Carol so he could hiss at Lionel Barrymore. The laughs don't stop there.

(First broadcast: NBC, 28 December 1947. Co-stars: Kenny Delmar, Parker Fennelly, Portland Hoffa, Minerva Pious, Alan Reed. Guest: Monty Woolley. Writer: Fred Allen. Music: Al Goodman Orchestra, the DeMarco Sisters. Sponsor: Standard Brands.)

JACK BENNY

■ The Jell-O Program with Jack Benny, “An Old Fashioned Christmas.”

JACK BENNY: Gather around, everybody, it’s my turn to play Santy Claus. I’ve got a little surprise for most all of you. Here’s a little gift for you, Kenny—a beautiful red silk necktie.
KENNY BAKER: Aw, thanks, Jack.
BENNY: Isn’t it pretty?
BAKER: (giggles) Gee. (Pause.) Y’know, this looks like the same tie I gave you last year.
BENNY: Well, it isn’t. It’s different.
MARY LIVINGSTONE: Yeah—--it’s got spots on it now.

That’s only a clever interlude, midway through the show. But it’s as genial a way to introduce (or re-introduce) you to Jack Benny’s kind of Christmas program, especially when it’s hooked around his supporting players’ gifts to him and a genially dopey yuletide squeeze of Don Wilson’s infamous Jell-O commercial interjections.

(First broadcast: NBC, 20 December 1936. Co-stars: Kenny Baker, Phil Harris, Mary Livingstone, Don Wilson. Writers: Ed Beloin, Al Boasberg, Bill Morrow, Sam Perrin, Arthur Phillips, Howard Snyder, Hugh Wedlock, Jr. Music: Phil Harris and His Orchestra, Kenny Baker. Sponsor: General Foods.)

■ The Jell-O Program with Jack Benny, “Christmas Shopping”---Everyone’s being effusively nice and flattering to Jack as Christmas approaches. “You know, folks, it’s funny how the yuletide season can put wings on a rat,” warbles the Big Cheese. But of course. And then along comes Mary . . .

MARY LIVINGSTONE: (singing) Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way---
JACK BENNY: Oh, hello, Mary.
LIVINGSTONE: Hello, honeybunch.
BENNY: Honeybunch, huh? Well, I suppose I’m a swell guy, you’re glad to see me, and I look like a million dollars.
LIVINGSTONE: You took the words right out of my hint.

Kenny Baker finds the courage to buy silk stockings for his girl for Christmas. Mary reads a letter from her mother. (“I received your letter, and thanks very much for the check. It would have come in handy, but the landlord grabbed it on the first bounce.”) Then Jack and Mary go Christmas shopping at one of Hollywood’s biggest department stores. “Pardon me, sir,” Jack warbles to a clerk, “I’d like to buy a chain.” Replies the clerk: “Dog, watch, or daisy?”

You didn’t really expect me to spoil it from there, did you?

(First broadcast: NBC, 12 December 1937. Co-stars: Kenny Baker, Phil Harris, Mary Livingstone, Don Wilson. Writers: Ed Beloin, Al Boasberg, Bill Morrow, Sam Perrin, Arthur Phillips, Howard Snyder, Hugh Wedlock, Jr. Music: Phil Harris and His Orchestra, Kenny Baker. Sponsor: General Foods)

■ The Jack Benny Program, “Jack Meets Frank Sinatra in a Drug Store”---It begins with Rochester thinking how lucky he is to work for a man like Jack.

ROCHESTER: Now, you take my friend Sam. He works for one of the stingiest men in the world. Why, last year for Christmas, all he gave Sam was three little hanka-chiefs.
JACK BENNY: But, Rochester, I don’t think that’s such a bad present.
ROCHESTER: I’ll never forget Christmas day. Down on Central Avenue, everyone was showin’ off their new wristwatches, ‘n’ gold cigarette cases, ‘n’ diamond rings, ‘n’ there was Sam with those three little hanka-chiefs.
BENNY: Aw, that’s a shame.
ROCHESTER: Yeah. It really embarrassed poor Sam when people asked him what his boss gave him for Christmas and he had to pull out those---three little hanka-chiefs.
BENNY: How can a---how can a man be that cheap?
ROCHESTER: It’s possible, boss! It’s possible!
BENNY: Well, Rochester, you don’t understand the spirit of Christmas. The important thing is that you’re remembered. The gift itself is nothing.
ROCHESTER: I know. That’s the kind of propaganda I’m tryin’ to overcome.

On the way to Mary's house, Jack bumps into Frank Sinatra, who reminds him he's guesting on Sinatra's radio spot the following night---and into a pair of swooning autograph hunters. ("Well, how do you like that? I only spoke to Frankie and I got some of it on me!") Then, Jack and Mary make for the department store. You tell me whether you think the store recovered after all these years or before its demise---whichever came first.

(First broadcast: NBC, 17 December 1944. Co-stars: Eddie Anderson, Phil Harris, Mary Livingstone, Frank Nelson, Don Wilson. Guest: Frank Sinatra. Music: Phil Harris and His Orchestra, Larry Stevens. Writers: George Balzer, Milt Josefsberg, Sam Perrin, John Tackaberry. Sponsor: American Tobacco Company.)

MORE JINGLE BENNY: "Christmas at Jack's" (25 December 1938), "Christmas Shopping Horseradish" (14 December 1941), "Trimming a Tree" (24 December 1944), "Armed Forces Radio Service Christmas Special" (25 December 1946).

NOT TO MENTION ONE QUEEN AND THREE JESTERS . . .

■ The Big Show, Christmas Eve Program---This installment kicked off with a slight variation on the standard introduction that simply had to be a grabber from the outset.

TALLULAH BANKHEAD: To the men and women in service all over the world on this Christmas Eve, through the cooperation of the Associated Services of the Armed Forces, you are about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business. For the next hour and thirty minutes, this program will present in person such bright stars as . . .

As custom on this last-gasp, big-bucks variety offering, the stars introduced themselves: Jimmy Durante. Bert Lahr. Robert Merrill. Margaret O'Brien. Edith Piaf. Fran Warren. Ed Wynn. And, music director Meredith Willson. And, following that soaring theme music around and behind Ed Herlihy's introduction, back came Madame Tallulah.

BANKHEAD: A safe and Merry Christmas, darlings, to all our Armed Forces, wherever you may be. And to you here at home, I hope all your stockings are hung, and that you find in them all the things you wished for. I know what I'm going to find in mine---a run! I always do on this show!

But when I heard that one of our guests today would be Margaret O'Brien, I decided to make it my business to see that this child has a Merry Christmas away from her home. After all, it's only been a few years since I was a child, heh heh heh. (Laughter.) Those darling writers---they'll stop at nothing for a Christmas present. And that's exactly what they're getting.

But to make sure little Margaret has a wonderful Christmas, I invited three of the theater's greatest clowns---Jimmy Durante, Bert Lahr, and Ed Wynn.
JIMMY DURANTE, BERT LAHR, and ED WYNN (in unison): Hello, Tallulah! (Applause.)
BANKHEAD: Hello Ed, Jimmy, Bert. Hello Bert, Ed, Jimmy. Hello Jimmy, Bert, Ed. Well, now that I've given you all equal billing, we can get down to our problem. We've got to arrange a wonderful Christmas party for this little girl. Anybody have an idea what to give her?
LAHR: I've got an idea, Tallulah.
BANKHEAD: Uh, huh.
LAHR: Something that's very popular this time of the year.
BANKHEAD: Oh, really, darling? What is it, Bert?
LAHR: How about givin' her a Christmas present?
BANKHEAD (lowers voice smugly): Uh, now, isn't that brilliant?

From there the foursome swapped gags about Christmas bed jackets, horses, and John Dillinger, before Lahr reprised "If I Was The King of the Forest" from The Wizard of Oz (with a little help from O'Brien, of course); before Durante suggested a toy-spangled Christmas tree and found a way to sing "Isn't It A Shame That Christmas Comes But Once A Year"; before Wynn and company try to prove Santa Claus; and, before some stunning music from Warren ("Look to the Rainbow"), Metropolitan Opera star Merrill ("O Holy Night") and the tragic French chanteuse Piaf. (A beautiful "Autumn Leaves.")

There was also a gentle message from Army Gen. Jonathan Wainwright at Camp Breckenridge (Kentucky). The message could be deployed today without losing a beat or a drop of relevance.

I'm happy to join with all your folks at home in bringing a Christmas greeting to you, my comrades of the armed forces, wherever you may be. We have shared the joy of other Christmas days together, and we look forward as a united people to that time when peace on earth and good will to men may again prevail. May God be with you.

And I didn't even stop to mention the soaring, caroling almost-finale. But I'm leaving you to hear it for yourself.

(First broadcast: NBC, 24 December 1950. Writers: Goodman Ace, George Foster, Mort Greene, Frank Wilson. Music: Meredith Willson. Sponsors: RCA Victor, Anacin, Chesterfield.)

LEAVE US NOT FORGET . . .

■ Duffy’s Tavern, “A Christmas Program”---“You remember Woolley, Duffy---the wise old actor with the sage old brush.” Thus Archieda Manageh informs his employer that Monty Woolley is in line to play Santa Claus at the dive’s Christmas party. Needless to say, nobody bothered to ask Woolley aforehand. Needless to say, there’s a hilarious piece of Yuletide iambic malaprop tripping early from Archie’s tongue:

Merry Christmas to yez all
be of right cheer and joyous.
Leave us yule a log on da fire
and leave not naught annoy us.
Come lift yer beakers and quaff us a stool
Kris Kringle’s abroad in the snow.
I quaff, lad. And, laugh, lad—
ha ha, hee hee, ho ho.

EDDIE: It’ll go beautifully wid dat cracked mirror.

And, needless to say, you'll have to listen to discover how Archie blunders his way into and out of this one, as usual.

(First broadcast: CBS, 21 December 1943. Starring: Ed Gardner. Co-stars: Charles Cantor, Eddie Green, Florence Halop. Guest star: Monty Woolley. Writers: Ed Gardner, Abe Burrows, Parke Levy, Sol Saks. Original sponsor: Bristol-Myers. Repeated as an Armed Forces Radio Services broadcast.)

■ The Old Gold Comedy Theater, “Bachelor Mother”--—What began as a pleasant idea didn’t quite work out as it should have, lasting only one season (1944-45). Old Gold Comedy Theater seems to have aspired to be a sort-of Lux Radio Theater of comedy, re-staging film comedies for radio under the hand of silent screen comic legend Harold Lloyd, whose problem wasn’t his own ability or that of the performers who acted in these works, whether they re-created their screen roles or took the roles anew. (The performers included: Fred Allen, June Allyson, Eve Arden, Lucille Ball, Ralph Bellamy, Gary Cooper, Linda Darnell, Paulette Goddard, Susan Hayward, Burgess Meredith, Dick Powell, and Gene Tierney, to name a mere few.)

Lloyd's problem was how to distill feature film comedies into half-hour exercises without draining too much marrow out of the bones. At its best, Old Gold Comedy Theater did approach the standard of the show it seemed most to emulate. Taking on and delivering its version of Bachelor Mother, a 1939 film whose writing was nominated for an Academy Award, was one example of how good the show could be, with very little of the story's meat drained away in the compacting and acting as realistic as you could expect a mid-1940s comedy to be.

The story: Polly Parrish has clerked at Merlin’s Department Store, selling ducks, until the day before Christmas, when general manager David Merlin cans her for reasons obscure at best. That’s nothing compared to the Christmas surprise Polly receives on her doorstep, the buttinski social worker (we think) who sees it and concludes Polly’s a mother abandoning her baby because of losing her job, and the Merlin---bent on keeping presumed mother and presumed child together---who rehires her after hearing the social worker’s story.

The problem for the purists: Reconciling Brenda Marshall (as Polly) and Louis Hayward (as David Merlin) in the roles originated by Ginger Rogers and David Niven. The solution: Sit back and relax. Marshall and Hayward bring it off with appropriate understatement, notwithstanding an occasional and perhaps unintended histrionic here and there.

(First broadcast: NBC, 24 December 1944. Stars: Brenda Marshall, Louis Hayward. Supporting cast: Unidentified. Director: Harold Lloyd. Sponsor: Old Gold cigarettes.)

■ The Phil Harris-Alice Faye Show, "Getting a Christmas Tree in the Mountains"---'Twas the week before Christmas, and all through the house, Alice is hanging holly and Phil is hanging the mistletoe. ("Ah, Philip, the many girls whose toes you've curled under this little sprig of greenery!") Or, as he tells his daughters, "Smooching spinach." Did Daddy ever play the game?

PHIL HARRIS: I was All-American twelve years in a row.
LITTLE ALICE: You mean, if a fella gets a girl under the mistletoe, he kisses her? That sounds like a silly game to me.
PHIL: Don't knock it 'till ya try it, gal. And don't try it until you get my permission.
LITTLE PHYLLIS: Daddy, before you married Mommy, did you have many girl friends?
PHIL: Oh, I had a few. (smug self-mocking tone) I say, a few!
LITTLE PHYLLIS: How many?
PHIL: Well, I don't remember. When I got married, I fired the scorekeeper. You know something, I probably had more girl friends than you could im---
ALICE FAYE: Phil, what are you doing?
LITTLE ALICE: Daddy's telling us about all the girls he knew before he met you.
BIG ALICE: Oh, them. That should make for some nice dull conversation.
LITTLE PHYLLIS: Mommy, did you know Daddy used to go out with other girls?
BIG ALICE: Aw, of course I knew he went out with other girls. (chuckles; smug self-mocking tone) I say, girls! (Normal tone.) Why, he never knew what a girl was supposed to look like until he met me!

Oops. Sorry they asked.

Not half as sorry as Phil seems to be when wastrel brother-in-law Willie laments the lack of Christmas tree in front of City Hall this time around. When he decides to challenge City Hall on it, Alice agrees the family should join in. "I dunno if I'm in favour of this," moans Phil. "Gee whiz, in order to put a tree up, you gotta chop one down."

Then they beard Hizzoner in his den. One round with this bunch and that's one City Council that'll never forget to make the annual community Christmas tree appropriation again . . .

(First broadcast: NBC, 18 December 1949. Stars: Phil Harris, Alice Faye. Co-stars: Elliott Lewis, Robert North, Jeanine Rouse, Ann Whitfield, Walter Tetley. Writers: Ray Singer, Dick Chevillat. Music: Walter Sharp. Sponsor: Rexall.)

So have yourselves a merry little classic radiyule . . .