The Traffic Report

ANNOUNCER: If this is overnight, the roads are empty. Except the usual ambulance chasing tow trucks, getaway cars, and highway patrolmen in search of the lost donut.

If this is morning rush, the roads are heavy. There isn’t even any room for the bikers to ride between lanes smiling smugly over what suckers you are in your cars and trucks.

If this is midday, there have been five accidents due to lunch in the car. There have been two accidents due to cell phone text messaging during the tie-ups for four other accidents. And, there’s been one case of road rage. An angry motorist finally decided enough was enough. He dynamited the car pool lane.

If this is afternoon-evening rush, please refer to the morning rush. Substitute two accidents due to dinner for five due to lunch. Substitute four accidents due to phone sex for two due to text messaging. And, there’s been one case of road rage. This one involves an angry pedestrian. He Uzied the taxi that splashed him with the leftover gutter water from last week’s thunderstorms.

Now, a word from our sponsor.

SPONSOR: Obnubilation.

ANNOUNCER: That was a word from our sponsor. Or, a weather update.