Rudely Interrupted

An audition script I have yet to finish for a new old-time radio show . . .

HUSBAND: I'd like to begin by saying that there's nothing equal to coming home, kissing your wife hello, mixing drinks, sitting down to a wonderful dinner together, and then spending the evening just huddling by the fire, in front of a good movie, or listening to good music. (Pause.) That's how I'd like to begin.

WIFE: And, he's right. There's nothing equal to coming home, kissing your husband hello, mixing drinks, sitting down to a wonderful dinner together, and spending the evening just huddling by the fire, in front of a good movie, or listening to good music. (Pause.) That's how we did begin.

HUSBAND: And that's the way it was.

WIFE: But he's not Walter Cronkite.

HUSBAND: And she's not just whistling Beethoven's Ninth. (Pause.) Our romantic beginning was rudely interrupted.

WIFE: We didn't have a fireplace.

HUSBAND: What we had was children.

WIFE: And I couldn't have had them without him.

HUSBAND: And the way things turned out, we wouldn't be where we are without them. (Pause.) We loved them dearly. Taught them everything we could. The virtue of honesty. The value of learning. The importance of industriousness. The beauty of culture. Belief in God.

WIFE: And now they're all grown up and out on their own. And they show us every day how well they learned.

HUSBAND: Yes, they do. (Pause.) Our first born's shown us the virtue of honesty. That's him, serving ten years' honest time. For perjury.

WIFE: Our second born's shown us the value of learning. That's her, learning to live a valuable life. Served without parole. For blowing up the campus library as a protest.

HUSBAND: Our third born's shown us the importance of industriousness. That's him, surviving very industriously on a remote island. With no place to spend his embezzlement and arrest warrants awaiting his return eagerly.

WIFE: And, our youngest born's shown us the beauty of culture. That's her, serving twenty years for those beautifully forged Warhols.

HUSBAND: That's beautiful service. But it's all our fault.

WIFE: (Slight indignance.) What do you mean, our fault?

HUSBAND: We paid their legal fees, dear.

WIFE: Well, darling, they had no place else to turn.

HUSBAND: Well, darling, they had to plead not guilty.

WIFE: Well, there went the honesty.

HUSBAND: Shows you what they learned.

WIFE: They'll have to be industrious where they are now.

HUSBAND: That's the beauty of it.

WIFE: And here we are today.

HUSBAND: We had to sell our big house.

WIFE: We're the next best thing to broke.

HUSBAND: We are broke, dear.

WIFE: You finally paid off the last of the legal bills.

HUSBAND: Thank God.

WIFE: Anyway, we're happy now in our little three-room apartment. (Pause.) Just---the two of us.

HUSBAND: But we still don't have a fireplace.

WIFE: So, we can huddle in front of the oven.

HUSBAND: The last time we did that, we wanted to put our heads in it.

WIFE: For the perjurer?

HUSBAND: No, dear.

WIFE: For the bomber?

HUSBAND: No, dear.

WIFE: For the embezzler?

HUSBAND: No, dear.

WIFE: For the forger?

HUSBAND: For all of the above.

WIFE: Oh.

HUSBAND: (Romantically.) Then come, my love. Let's huddle in front of the oven.

WIFE: (Romantically.) Mmmmmmm, yes. Let's.

MUSIC: (Beethoven, Symphony No. 9 in D Minor: Adagio molto e cantibale; up, then back.)

WIFE: (almost whispering) I could huddle with you all night long.

HUSBAND: (almost whispering) No, you couldn't.

WIFE: (startled a little) Why not?

SFX: (Single ping of a tiny bell.)

HUSBAND: That's why not.

WIFE: (sighs) I'll set the table and you serve up?

HUSBAND: That's better than things others from this household are serving.

SFX AND MUSIC: (Sounds of a meal being served; Beethoven, Symphony No. 9 in D Minor: Adagio molto e cantibale; comes up, then all fade out.)